itchy mole on the back of the left knee, been aware of it for a long
time now, over a year; scratched, bled, feelings of fear flood through
the mind emotions and body; visit the Dr. - Appointment with specialist
– less than a week later, in hospital face down as mole removed,
anaesthetic didn't seem to work, exceedingly painful, Dr. upset at pain
I experienced, it was cancer and they had to dig deep; a week of
waiting, a phone call, it is malignant melanoma, visit the specialist
again, an appointment in Glasgow, we all went Del, Jamie and Laura –
wasn't good no cure, only experiments, inject blue dye, see what it
revealed, remove the lymph glands, some chemo, maybe that was a
service, experiments on me could benefit others........ mmmmmmm.......
My body reacted at the thought of another needle going anywhere near the “removal”, I couldn’t handle any more physical pain, remove the lymph glands no no no, they had a job to do and I could feel them at times, pulsating is the best description I can give, Del said this was good as it meant they were working, so I held onto that thought and it did make sense, chemo, eeeeeek, I had decided long before that chemo was like the George Bush of medicine, blast everything regardless..... I am a pacifist.......... No not their kind of experiments though......... now was an opportunity to “ walk my talk” gulp.
Panic Fear overwhelms, can’t cope with family and their distress, it is heartbreaking to witness and just as there is nothing they can do for me there is nothing I can do for them, so I run....... I house sit for friends........ gives me time to reflect, I mean REALLY reflect and have some silence to hear the voice within......... this was not going to be a battle, fighting just brings about resistance
Left leg, knee? Feminine aspect, knee moving forward, ability to bend (be flexible/fluid) to enable forward progress.......... memories of how I was always called “legs” and how much I hated it, I was more than a pair of long legs, I never wore dresses or skirts until my mid 20s so much I kept them under cover........ my poor legs had received much negative energy from me over the years, as I realised and recognised the resentment I had towards my body but mostly toward my legs,
So some TLC was in order, not the kind of over indulgence that seems to pervade these days, but an acknowledgement of its dependability - its wisdom - a sense of gratitude, so my negative/lack of thought re: my physical vehicle was revealing itself and an opportunity was being presented....... to love, love myself and the cancer, I was going to love it to death, smother it in hugs.......
I returned home after about 4 weeks, that was quite a blow, the house no longer felt like a home, the kids and Del had done their best, but they had given up, they really believed I had gone away to die......... as I tried to get everything back on an even keel, I received notice to quit our home, another tough blow, but it led to a move to an area which was awash with “alternative” thinking people, artists and crafters, the new home and the move was really a series of “coincidences” (and we all know that coincidences are signposts on our path, don’t we?) one of my cats went missing, he turned up, well crawled up a day after I got home, he had been run over and his leg was badly broken in several places; everything seemed to be thrown at me, the cat being run over was very significant, I had 3 cats Stinky, Simba and JB Bear, also known as mental, emotional and physical, it was mental that had been injured!!!! (Mental stayed with me for another 14 years!! 2 more cycles)......
All the time within I knew I also needed to do something “ritualistic” to bring through this change of heart/thought; read loads, Deepak Chopra, searched and sought, The Life Foundation, Second Aid, organisations that came into my life just before or coinciding with this part of my life, they all played a part...... left their mark....... of love and of generosity; (more coincidences, it all just flowed, of course there were a few blind alleys along the way, in hindsight it is easy to observe that it was all about connections, it’s not the “therapies/healers” were no good, just not right for me)
Essiac came my way via a friend, who had a friend in Ireland who had sent her some info on the Essiac Foundation: I read and found my connection, my medicine, the story of Reme Caisse touched me deeply, it coincided with all that I believed and she held on to her principles, I liked this lady, there was also the North American connection (something that happened several years previously, at the summer solstice, where I had seen myself and Del in that lifetime, but that’s another story)
I made a phone call to Ireland and had a strange conversation with an elderly Irishman, he told me I was a shaman and told me to contact Mali Klein Clouds Trust, which I did, having also read Mali’s book, (forgive me I cannot remember the title) again it touched me deeply and made me cry so much and yet it was a hopeful and inspiring book; I phoned Mali –The Clouds Trust not only supplied Essiac tea, they kept within the principles of R Caisse......... that was good enough for me, so began, I took it for 9 months - looked forward to my “cup of tea” each morning, then stopped, suddenly it didn't feel right, my body recoiled;
I became the ambassador in Scotland for The Clouds Trust - I made Essiac for anyone who wanted it - I charged nothing - donations welcome but not obligatory (I knew only too well how difficult it can be to find cash for mother, food and clothing for the children are higher on the list) In fact I can remember being incensed by the words of an acquaintance who professed to be a reiki healer, that I didn’t value myself if I wasn’t prepared to spend money on myself, all very well if you have no-one else to consider and have the funds, yes she was quite a wealthy young lady!!!!- Donations according to pocket and conscience was my motto. My local Dr. was open minded and read up on Essiac - he then began to tell patients who had been given the thumbs down about the Essiac - some came and tried it......it had an effect upon all who took it and nothing detrimental:
No I don’t say it will be good for everyone, but it can help in the magical process of our individual healing. I continued distributing Essiac for 4 years and only stopped because we were moving to warmer climes as Del had been diagnosed with Raynaud’s syndrome; my connection with Essiac brought me in contact (or were they re-connections) with many different people, of all walks in life, some helped me and I helped some too, but nothing stays the same and a new direction a new lesson, more healing........
This whole experience made me look long and hard at the various medical decisions made by me over the years and I have had to watch myself over the years to ensure I remain grateful for this body, to recognise that to work as a soul on earth I need a body and I am blessed with a healthy robust disposition :)